Am I not lovable? If yes, what is it about me that isn’t?
I ask myself this question often these days as the weekend approaches and people share their plans and look forward to the end of another week. Every week I pause and think about what awaits me, two days of quiet and feeling inadequate; with questions and pitying looks because I don’t have a significant other to rob in everyone’s nose.
I hate the weekend.
My job is not the kind that eats up my weekend these days, how I wish that was the case these days. Were I a true Executive Assistant in the real sense of the word, I would be on my way to Abuja this weekend and exhaust my life out with work and running errands and being to busy to think. The sadness would be gone and this cloud of helplessness and self pity would not haunt me.
Sometimes I honestly wish I would die and go to heaven and be done with it all – the drama that is life, the pain that is love unrequited and the weight of pretending everything is fine and your happy. I am tired of it all.
Why do we fall in love? When does it happen? I for one would like to know the exact moment it happens so you can fight it or delay it. Or if I could go back, change all decisions and actions that led up to that point. Its not a conscious decision, it just dawns on you one evening that – I’m in love. In my case I wasn’t jumping for joy or seeing stars while singing and dancing ‘I’m singing in the rain’ by Gene Kelly. It was more of “Holy Shit. What were you thinking babe. You stupid, stupid child.
Summary of it all is sad most of the time, unhappy almost all the time, feel like crying constantly these days because my life is empty.
I live with a family who don’t get me and I’ve become a regular joke – she only sleeps here, she doesn’t live here. Everything I say and do is misinterpreted that now I just go to bed every day I get home.
The operative question is When Will It Be My Turn
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