Expectations

I often wonder about expectations. People work around with plans of weddings, engagements, dream guys and girls, proposals etc. I think this points out with with optimistic dispositions. People who plan for their futures. When I hear such plans, i often wonder how these people can afford to be that optimistic about life and the future. No one knows what tomorrow holds. It could just be one disappointment after the other, but still they hope.

I am truly amazed.

I have tried sometimes to see life through those rose tinted glasses but it always ends with me being disappointed. In myself and in the people involved in my experiment.

A friend just described her dream wedding and it was something out of Disneyland. I couldn't help but laugh and ask severally if she realized it sounded like a Cinderella story? I guess different things help people get by daily. It might be the thrill of a first kiss or the excitement of your upcoming wedding or the hopes of holding your newborn after minimal labor (dreams). The ability to dream they say has a power that can transform and bring into being that which we mostly desire. I just haven't been able to master that act.

I dream of having a successful marriage, business (even if i don't know what that would be), responsible children and lots of money. But to have elaborate dreams of how this will materialize is something else all together. I don't dream of my dress, my wedding day, the wedding colors, food, music and all the things ladies bother themselves with when wedding bells chime and for that I am laughed at/mocked. I don't believe in the razzmatazz of it all and i won't apologise for that.

Expectations. It can be your undoing, if not managed. I don't expect much, just to be happy with my life my family, be content with what God has in store for my future, have enough to cater for my immediate and external family and meet all my financial and otherwise obligations, be a good mother and wife. The expression / manifestations of these are what I can't tell but I know the future IS good.

Pessimist or not, I do hope for the best and believe that the best indeed is yet to come. Even though it might not seem as such right now, the future is good.

The Heart Weeps

Am I not lovable? If yes, what is it about me that isn’t?

I ask myself this question often these days as the weekend approaches and people share their plans and look forward to the end of another week. Every week I pause and think about what awaits me, two days of quiet and feeling inadequate; with questions and pitying looks because I don’t have a significant other to rob in everyone’s nose.

I hate the weekend.

My job is not the kind that eats up my weekend these days, how I wish that was the case these days. Were I a true Executive Assistant in the real sense of the word, I would be on my way to Abuja this weekend and exhaust my life out with work and running errands and being to busy to think. The sadness would be gone and this cloud of helplessness and self pity would not haunt me.

Sometimes I honestly wish I would die and go to heaven and be done with it all – the drama that is life, the pain that is love unrequited and the weight of pretending everything is fine and your happy. I am tired of it all.

Why do we fall in love? When does it happen? I for one would like to know the exact moment it happens so you can fight it or delay it. Or if I could go back, change all decisions and actions that led up to that point. Its not a conscious decision, it just dawns on you one evening that – I’m in love. In my case I wasn’t jumping for joy or seeing stars while singing and dancing ‘I’m singing in the rain’ by Gene Kelly. It was more of “Holy Shit. What were you thinking babe. You stupid, stupid child.

Summary of it all is sad most of the time, unhappy almost all the time, feel like crying constantly these days because my life is empty.

I live with a family who don’t get me and I’ve become a regular joke – she only sleeps here, she doesn’t live here. Everything I say and do is misinterpreted that now I just go to bed every day I get home.

The operative question is When Will It Be My Turn

An Angry Word

I have an anger problem.

When its said that never speak when you're angry, I finally believe. Maybe my anger was justified or NOT, but still I spoke and i'm now in it.

I have never been able to rest in peace when there's a feud (I am aware of), be it silent or otherwise exists towards me. Got home late last night or you could call it early hours of this morning, tore my lovely adorable chinos trousers jumping over my close gate cos it was locked from within and couldn't sleep. Why? I called a friend a 'PIG', in an attempt to be spiteful, hurtful and for once draw blood. It did have the desired effect but not one I am comfortable with.

Yes, I'm given the silent treatment. Its not so much a silent treatment per say, but more like an avoidance and no/limited contact and communication. Really not enjoying this at all.

In my restlessness, I've downed 12 queen cakes, 1 chopsey, 1 peach drink, 1 plate of rice, some roasted corn, 1 plate of yogurt and a large cup of tea with lots of milk. Yes, I eat a lot when I'm stressed. That's one of the reasons I want this feud to be over. I can't afford to blowup over this.

Its times like this I wish so dearly that I had someone other than my blog and 'My Guy' to bitch/rant to.

But seriously, I find that everytime I 'm angry, I just can't keep my mouth shut to save my life. I am not one to stew in anger and keep my dark and probably vengeful thoughts to myself. I must speak. Why?

I must admit, I really do try not to speak, but it just comes out raw , spiteful and vengeful. And truth be told, if another person offends me, I am silent as a lamb. I won't utter a word but will bitch in private. But I flare at the least provocation. I am not naturally sharp-tongued but ...

This should honestly stop. I really do need help.

It's Complicated

In the world of relationships, its always complicated.

I like you, you don't like me; someone else likes you and you don't like them. It's an endless love triangle of hook ups and missteps.

Why can't it just be straight forward? I like and you like me back. We want the same things but there are grey areas we can both live with and then we proceed from there. But real life is so messy with complicated people and relationships.

Now we have 'relationships' for sex only (sex buddies)- its called assisting the female folk, 'friends with benefits ship', 'let's see how it goes ships' etc. I am truly bone tired of all the bullshit because it all balls down to sex with no strings attached. Emotionless sex from people who might not remember your name the next morning or people who slept with to prove they could do or out of curiosity with no plans for the afterwards. It kinda sucks and leaves the other party in limbo because ... just because.

I am offended by the fact that people sleep around just because they are curious about to what it would feel like being with so and so person. Will I be able to seduce them and how far will I go to make it happen. They never think about the outcome. Sex is now a game or for some people I know, it's a stress ball. You have it to feel refreshed, to unclog your clouded brain or to exhaust yourself enough to sleep.

I am real angry at the triviality of it all. I feel like slapping people when they talk carelessly of a beautiful that was created by God. It is a bond between two people who say they love each other. The bond that comes from sex has a power that cannot be explained. Its a spiritual connection. I heard a story once about a couple for whom this connection worked. One had a headache and they just put their heads together and by the time they each went home, the ache was gone.

The power of connections. The right connection is all I seek.