I often wonder about expectations. People work around with plans of weddings, engagements, dream guys and girls, proposals etc. I think this points out with with optimistic dispositions. People who plan for their futures. When I hear such plans, i often wonder how these people can afford to be that optimistic about life and the future. No one knows what tomorrow holds. It could just be one disappointment after the other, but still they hope.
I am truly amazed.
I have tried sometimes to see life through those rose tinted glasses but it always ends with me being disappointed. In myself and in the people involved in my experiment.
A friend just described her dream wedding and it was something out of Disneyland. I couldn't help but laugh and ask severally if she realized it sounded like a Cinderella story? I guess different things help people get by daily. It might be the thrill of a first kiss or the excitement of your upcoming wedding or the hopes of holding your newborn after minimal labor (dreams). The ability to dream they say has a power that can transform and bring into being that which we mostly desire. I just haven't been able to master that act.
I dream of having a successful marriage, business (even if i don't know what that would be), responsible children and lots of money. But to have elaborate dreams of how this will materialize is something else all together. I don't dream of my dress, my wedding day, the wedding colors, food, music and all the things ladies bother themselves with when wedding bells chime and for that I am laughed at/mocked. I don't believe in the razzmatazz of it all and i won't apologise for that.
Expectations. It can be your undoing, if not managed. I don't expect much, just to be happy with my life my family, be content with what God has in store for my future, have enough to cater for my immediate and external family and meet all my financial and otherwise obligations, be a good mother and wife. The expression / manifestations of these are what I can't tell but I know the future IS good.
Pessimist or not, I do hope for the best and believe that the best indeed is yet to come. Even though it might not seem as such right now, the future is good.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Heart Weeps
Am I not lovable? If yes, what is it about me that isn’t?
I ask myself this question often these days as the weekend approaches and people share their plans and look forward to the end of another week. Every week I pause and think about what awaits me, two days of quiet and feeling inadequate; with questions and pitying looks because I don’t have a significant other to rob in everyone’s nose.
I hate the weekend.
My job is not the kind that eats up my weekend these days, how I wish that was the case these days. Were I a true Executive Assistant in the real sense of the word, I would be on my way to Abuja this weekend and exhaust my life out with work and running errands and being to busy to think. The sadness would be gone and this cloud of helplessness and self pity would not haunt me.
Sometimes I honestly wish I would die and go to heaven and be done with it all – the drama that is life, the pain that is love unrequited and the weight of pretending everything is fine and your happy. I am tired of it all.
Why do we fall in love? When does it happen? I for one would like to know the exact moment it happens so you can fight it or delay it. Or if I could go back, change all decisions and actions that led up to that point. Its not a conscious decision, it just dawns on you one evening that – I’m in love. In my case I wasn’t jumping for joy or seeing stars while singing and dancing ‘I’m singing in the rain’ by Gene Kelly. It was more of “Holy Shit. What were you thinking babe. You stupid, stupid child.
Summary of it all is sad most of the time, unhappy almost all the time, feel like crying constantly these days because my life is empty.
I live with a family who don’t get me and I’ve become a regular joke – she only sleeps here, she doesn’t live here. Everything I say and do is misinterpreted that now I just go to bed every day I get home.
The operative question is When Will It Be My Turn
I ask myself this question often these days as the weekend approaches and people share their plans and look forward to the end of another week. Every week I pause and think about what awaits me, two days of quiet and feeling inadequate; with questions and pitying looks because I don’t have a significant other to rob in everyone’s nose.
I hate the weekend.
My job is not the kind that eats up my weekend these days, how I wish that was the case these days. Were I a true Executive Assistant in the real sense of the word, I would be on my way to Abuja this weekend and exhaust my life out with work and running errands and being to busy to think. The sadness would be gone and this cloud of helplessness and self pity would not haunt me.
Sometimes I honestly wish I would die and go to heaven and be done with it all – the drama that is life, the pain that is love unrequited and the weight of pretending everything is fine and your happy. I am tired of it all.
Why do we fall in love? When does it happen? I for one would like to know the exact moment it happens so you can fight it or delay it. Or if I could go back, change all decisions and actions that led up to that point. Its not a conscious decision, it just dawns on you one evening that – I’m in love. In my case I wasn’t jumping for joy or seeing stars while singing and dancing ‘I’m singing in the rain’ by Gene Kelly. It was more of “Holy Shit. What were you thinking babe. You stupid, stupid child.
Summary of it all is sad most of the time, unhappy almost all the time, feel like crying constantly these days because my life is empty.
I live with a family who don’t get me and I’ve become a regular joke – she only sleeps here, she doesn’t live here. Everything I say and do is misinterpreted that now I just go to bed every day I get home.
The operative question is When Will It Be My Turn
Friday, August 6, 2010
An Angry Word
I have an anger problem.
When its said that never speak when you're angry, I finally believe. Maybe my anger was justified or NOT, but still I spoke and i'm now in it.
I have never been able to rest in peace when there's a feud (I am aware of), be it silent or otherwise exists towards me. Got home late last night or you could call it early hours of this morning, tore my lovely adorable chinos trousers jumping over my close gate cos it was locked from within and couldn't sleep. Why? I called a friend a 'PIG', in an attempt to be spiteful, hurtful and for once draw blood. It did have the desired effect but not one I am comfortable with.
Yes, I'm given the silent treatment. Its not so much a silent treatment per say, but more like an avoidance and no/limited contact and communication. Really not enjoying this at all.
In my restlessness, I've downed 12 queen cakes, 1 chopsey, 1 peach drink, 1 plate of rice, some roasted corn, 1 plate of yogurt and a large cup of tea with lots of milk. Yes, I eat a lot when I'm stressed. That's one of the reasons I want this feud to be over. I can't afford to blowup over this.
Its times like this I wish so dearly that I had someone other than my blog and 'My Guy' to bitch/rant to.
But seriously, I find that everytime I 'm angry, I just can't keep my mouth shut to save my life. I am not one to stew in anger and keep my dark and probably vengeful thoughts to myself. I must speak. Why?
I must admit, I really do try not to speak, but it just comes out raw , spiteful and vengeful. And truth be told, if another person offends me, I am silent as a lamb. I won't utter a word but will bitch in private. But I flare at the least provocation. I am not naturally sharp-tongued but ...
This should honestly stop. I really do need help.
When its said that never speak when you're angry, I finally believe. Maybe my anger was justified or NOT, but still I spoke and i'm now in it.
I have never been able to rest in peace when there's a feud (I am aware of), be it silent or otherwise exists towards me. Got home late last night or you could call it early hours of this morning, tore my lovely adorable chinos trousers jumping over my close gate cos it was locked from within and couldn't sleep. Why? I called a friend a 'PIG', in an attempt to be spiteful, hurtful and for once draw blood. It did have the desired effect but not one I am comfortable with.
Yes, I'm given the silent treatment. Its not so much a silent treatment per say, but more like an avoidance and no/limited contact and communication. Really not enjoying this at all.
In my restlessness, I've downed 12 queen cakes, 1 chopsey, 1 peach drink, 1 plate of rice, some roasted corn, 1 plate of yogurt and a large cup of tea with lots of milk. Yes, I eat a lot when I'm stressed. That's one of the reasons I want this feud to be over. I can't afford to blowup over this.
Its times like this I wish so dearly that I had someone other than my blog and 'My Guy' to bitch/rant to.
But seriously, I find that everytime I 'm angry, I just can't keep my mouth shut to save my life. I am not one to stew in anger and keep my dark and probably vengeful thoughts to myself. I must speak. Why?
I must admit, I really do try not to speak, but it just comes out raw , spiteful and vengeful. And truth be told, if another person offends me, I am silent as a lamb. I won't utter a word but will bitch in private. But I flare at the least provocation. I am not naturally sharp-tongued but ...
This should honestly stop. I really do need help.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
It's Complicated
In the world of relationships, its always complicated.
I like you, you don't like me; someone else likes you and you don't like them. It's an endless love triangle of hook ups and missteps.
Why can't it just be straight forward? I like and you like me back. We want the same things but there are grey areas we can both live with and then we proceed from there. But real life is so messy with complicated people and relationships.
Now we have 'relationships' for sex only (sex buddies)- its called assisting the female folk, 'friends with benefits ship', 'let's see how it goes ships' etc. I am truly bone tired of all the bullshit because it all balls down to sex with no strings attached. Emotionless sex from people who might not remember your name the next morning or people who slept with to prove they could do or out of curiosity with no plans for the afterwards. It kinda sucks and leaves the other party in limbo because ... just because.
I am offended by the fact that people sleep around just because they are curious about to what it would feel like being with so and so person. Will I be able to seduce them and how far will I go to make it happen. They never think about the outcome. Sex is now a game or for some people I know, it's a stress ball. You have it to feel refreshed, to unclog your clouded brain or to exhaust yourself enough to sleep.
I am real angry at the triviality of it all. I feel like slapping people when they talk carelessly of a beautiful that was created by God. It is a bond between two people who say they love each other. The bond that comes from sex has a power that cannot be explained. Its a spiritual connection. I heard a story once about a couple for whom this connection worked. One had a headache and they just put their heads together and by the time they each went home, the ache was gone.
The power of connections. The right connection is all I seek.
I like you, you don't like me; someone else likes you and you don't like them. It's an endless love triangle of hook ups and missteps.
Why can't it just be straight forward? I like and you like me back. We want the same things but there are grey areas we can both live with and then we proceed from there. But real life is so messy with complicated people and relationships.
Now we have 'relationships' for sex only (sex buddies)- its called assisting the female folk, 'friends with benefits ship', 'let's see how it goes ships' etc. I am truly bone tired of all the bullshit because it all balls down to sex with no strings attached. Emotionless sex from people who might not remember your name the next morning or people who slept with to prove they could do or out of curiosity with no plans for the afterwards. It kinda sucks and leaves the other party in limbo because ... just because.
I am offended by the fact that people sleep around just because they are curious about to what it would feel like being with so and so person. Will I be able to seduce them and how far will I go to make it happen. They never think about the outcome. Sex is now a game or for some people I know, it's a stress ball. You have it to feel refreshed, to unclog your clouded brain or to exhaust yourself enough to sleep.
I am real angry at the triviality of it all. I feel like slapping people when they talk carelessly of a beautiful that was created by God. It is a bond between two people who say they love each other. The bond that comes from sex has a power that cannot be explained. Its a spiritual connection. I heard a story once about a couple for whom this connection worked. One had a headache and they just put their heads together and by the time they each went home, the ache was gone.
The power of connections. The right connection is all I seek.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saying 'I Do'
When I think of weddings these days, I think oh my God! How can someone do such a thing?
Trust me I'm not averse to marriage but the notion is a scary one once you try to wrap you mind around it. It’s a celebration of a new beginning. Starting life with someone new and starting a family. Real noble reasons, but I often ask myself what goes on behind those smiles (plastic or otherwise)?
Do they worry about the honeymoon, whether the guests will rave about their wedding ceremony as a benchmark to topple or WHAT THE HELL HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?
To marry someone, there should be a high level of trust and acceptance of whatever is to come, and I often wonder whether that's the case in most instances.
In sickness & in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. Those are not mere words, those are bonds/promises that should be kept and before they are made, their implications considered.
Was at a wedding over the weekend and what everyone talked most about/anticipated was the bachelor's eve. Imagine that. And we thought that weddings were a celebration of love. In this case, like in so many others I've witnessed, it is seen as a journey into bondage. Goodbye singlehood and its freedoms and worldly unhampered passions and welcome shackles to one woman.
It’s kinda sad to realize that the institution of marriage has come to this - BONDAGE.
Now the key question is how one gets to marry someone with the same views and intent. Humans are great pretenders and it’s never likely to know a person well enough before tying the knot.
All in all, it takes a lot of guts to dress up, go to church and say 'I Do' before God, family and friends - whatever your intention afterwards.
Trust me I'm not averse to marriage but the notion is a scary one once you try to wrap you mind around it. It’s a celebration of a new beginning. Starting life with someone new and starting a family. Real noble reasons, but I often ask myself what goes on behind those smiles (plastic or otherwise)?
Do they worry about the honeymoon, whether the guests will rave about their wedding ceremony as a benchmark to topple or WHAT THE HELL HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?
To marry someone, there should be a high level of trust and acceptance of whatever is to come, and I often wonder whether that's the case in most instances.
In sickness & in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. Those are not mere words, those are bonds/promises that should be kept and before they are made, their implications considered.
Was at a wedding over the weekend and what everyone talked most about/anticipated was the bachelor's eve. Imagine that. And we thought that weddings were a celebration of love. In this case, like in so many others I've witnessed, it is seen as a journey into bondage. Goodbye singlehood and its freedoms and worldly unhampered passions and welcome shackles to one woman.
It’s kinda sad to realize that the institution of marriage has come to this - BONDAGE.
Now the key question is how one gets to marry someone with the same views and intent. Humans are great pretenders and it’s never likely to know a person well enough before tying the knot.
All in all, it takes a lot of guts to dress up, go to church and say 'I Do' before God, family and friends - whatever your intention afterwards.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Dusty Letters
As my house is being renovated, I stumble each day on mementos that bring back memories, both painful and joyful.
My mum showed me the other day a letter i wrote to her from school way back when i was in JSS1 in Command Kaduna. My box had just been stolen by the village thieves (otherwise known as KATO) who occasionally come into the girls hostel to steal. This letter narrated the entire incident and ended with me saying 'Mummy, this one wasn't my fault'. I had been earlier castigated by my parents for being careless with my belongings, but anyone who went to Command Kaduna as a boarder knows that you'll be lucky to return home with the clothes on your back.
Anyway, the funny thing about this letter was the footnote at the end of the letter. It read 'Mummy, there's this boy that has been disturbing me and i have told him to leave me alone but he won't listen. What should i do?' My mum and I had a good laugh after reading this part of the letter and I felt somewhat sad afterwards cos i realized that i used to be close to my mother. We used to gist and share like sisters, but now - nothing. I can't put my finger on what went wrong or when the cold war - much of it on my part - began.
I try sometimes to confide in her but i just have a nagging feeling that she just wouldn't get it.
Now the other thing that made me pause for thought were some of my old letters from my ex-fiance. on reading them, i felt like i was the problem. Yes the letters sounded whiny but they all had a similar tone - appeal and openness.
An appeal for me to focus and express the love i felt but hardly mentioned, for openness about the things i wanted/my feelings and a desire to be on the same page etc.
I felt kinda bad and began to question whether i really was the problem after all. Yes he had his issues, but what role did i play in bring the deck of cards tumbling down.
When I read his letter to me on the day he proposed, it brought back sweet memories. Brother had moves. He knew how to create and
My mum showed me the other day a letter i wrote to her from school way back when i was in JSS1 in Command Kaduna. My box had just been stolen by the village thieves (otherwise known as KATO) who occasionally come into the girls hostel to steal. This letter narrated the entire incident and ended with me saying 'Mummy, this one wasn't my fault'. I had been earlier castigated by my parents for being careless with my belongings, but anyone who went to Command Kaduna as a boarder knows that you'll be lucky to return home with the clothes on your back.
Anyway, the funny thing about this letter was the footnote at the end of the letter. It read 'Mummy, there's this boy that has been disturbing me and i have told him to leave me alone but he won't listen. What should i do?' My mum and I had a good laugh after reading this part of the letter and I felt somewhat sad afterwards cos i realized that i used to be close to my mother. We used to gist and share like sisters, but now - nothing. I can't put my finger on what went wrong or when the cold war - much of it on my part - began.
I try sometimes to confide in her but i just have a nagging feeling that she just wouldn't get it.
Now the other thing that made me pause for thought were some of my old letters from my ex-fiance. on reading them, i felt like i was the problem. Yes the letters sounded whiny but they all had a similar tone - appeal and openness.
An appeal for me to focus and express the love i felt but hardly mentioned, for openness about the things i wanted/my feelings and a desire to be on the same page etc.
I felt kinda bad and began to question whether i really was the problem after all. Yes he had his issues, but what role did i play in bring the deck of cards tumbling down.
When I read his letter to me on the day he proposed, it brought back sweet memories. Brother had moves. He knew how to create and
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Acceptance: Key To Happiness
I learnt today that accepting your past and present is a sure way to a healthy future.
That being said, its easy for people to talk about acceptance but no one ever mentions the little battles in the mind and how difficult it is to walk the talk.
ACCEPTANCE
I accept you for who you are and everything you represent. Ha! Oh please. Its all just lips service. i think.
Easier said than done. I recite a chant everyday in my head, its all for the best, everything happens for a reason but hello! I don't see things getting any better. But maybe its me who doesn't see it. Maybe I'm too buried in the past and stuck in my ways that i don't see the change. Isn't change supposed to be seen, felt.
Its just like with Christianity and giving your life to Christ, Old things have passed away, i am Born Again. The change doesn't come overnight, it grows subtly and quietly until one day you've become some new.
Back to my point, I make the effort, I love myself (maybe too much sometime), I've forgiven my Ex for everything, I've forgiven my father and I've forgiven everyone who has ever let me down. Saying it in my head everyday and making an effort to be polite, kind and 'accepting' of these individuals haven't gotten me far and its what, over 4 years? That can't be right can it.
The real question is, what am i doing wrong. If i knew that i would make the necessary changes. All the talk about acceptance and no one has come with clear cut steps to achieving. Or maybe i haven't found the right book or teacher to set the story right.
That being said, its easy for people to talk about acceptance but no one ever mentions the little battles in the mind and how difficult it is to walk the talk.
ACCEPTANCE
I accept you for who you are and everything you represent. Ha! Oh please. Its all just lips service. i think.
Easier said than done. I recite a chant everyday in my head, its all for the best, everything happens for a reason but hello! I don't see things getting any better. But maybe its me who doesn't see it. Maybe I'm too buried in the past and stuck in my ways that i don't see the change. Isn't change supposed to be seen, felt.
Its just like with Christianity and giving your life to Christ, Old things have passed away, i am Born Again. The change doesn't come overnight, it grows subtly and quietly until one day you've become some new.
Back to my point, I make the effort, I love myself (maybe too much sometime), I've forgiven my Ex for everything, I've forgiven my father and I've forgiven everyone who has ever let me down. Saying it in my head everyday and making an effort to be polite, kind and 'accepting' of these individuals haven't gotten me far and its what, over 4 years? That can't be right can it.
The real question is, what am i doing wrong. If i knew that i would make the necessary changes. All the talk about acceptance and no one has come with clear cut steps to achieving. Or maybe i haven't found the right book or teacher to set the story right.
Watering My Plant
Its been hard for me the last few years. Breaking up a long time relationship, getting a new job and hearing your ex settling down before you, all takes its toil on ones senses
I can't understand why its taking me this long to settle with my past and move on. I must admit, I'm scared shitless everyday and these days angry as hell. For no apparent reason, i snap, vent and pour out my frustrations on anyone that crosses me, sometimes without the least bit of provocation.
Today my shrink listened as i ranted for close to an hour, about why i am angry and we postulated lots of theories about why this is.
1. Frustration from my job (feeling emasculated, if you will)
2. Letting go of my controls and letting things go one day at a time
3. Agitation over being taken advantage of and taken for granted
He says i need to let go of the anger. If i knew how, i would honestly do it and live a life of happiness and bliss.
I honestly want to know, was there ever a time when we were all happy all the time? I wish i could teleport back there, even if it were for a little while.
Or are we not supposed to be happy all the time? Maybe i'm the person getting it wrong.
I can't understand why its taking me this long to settle with my past and move on. I must admit, I'm scared shitless everyday and these days angry as hell. For no apparent reason, i snap, vent and pour out my frustrations on anyone that crosses me, sometimes without the least bit of provocation.
Today my shrink listened as i ranted for close to an hour, about why i am angry and we postulated lots of theories about why this is.
1. Frustration from my job (feeling emasculated, if you will)
2. Letting go of my controls and letting things go one day at a time
3. Agitation over being taken advantage of and taken for granted
He says i need to let go of the anger. If i knew how, i would honestly do it and live a life of happiness and bliss.
I honestly want to know, was there ever a time when we were all happy all the time? I wish i could teleport back there, even if it were for a little while.
Or are we not supposed to be happy all the time? Maybe i'm the person getting it wrong.
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