Final Words To Femi

I have been angry at God all week cos I lost a friend, a brother. What hurts me also is I never got to tell him how much he meant to me. In the time we lost touch, I was angry at him I would have conversations in my head of what I would say when I saw him; inspite of all that, I still loved him. It’s funny how life sometimes gives us a rude awakening when we least expect it. We realize just how trivial some things are.

I saw him in the coffin but I looked away cos I didn’t want to remember him that way. When I think of Famo, I remember the bulging sexy eyes, his laugh, his amazing humor – he could always make people laugh - his love for Praise Apostles and his wife Tope.

It’s amazing what life has in store for us. I have questioned everything - my faith, God, life and its meaning – but I still don’t feel better. Questioning has gotten me nowhere thus far but I am conscious that we are living on borrowed time and that our time here has to have meaning and purpose.

With Femi’s death I see how love for one person can unify and bring together people. He was indeed loved by all whose lives he had touched and I rest in the knowledge that he has gone to a better place.

Famo, I will see you someday.

Dear Diary

My glass house just got shattered. I apologize for what I did (invasion of privacy and all) but I just couldn’t resist. People keep going on and on about they see in your phone but I have been disciplined thus far not to look but today I did – for this I an sorry. But I guess this might just be all I need to gradually get the deluded images I have about you and me - who you are and who I am to you – out of my head.

I realize you have about 5 leading ladies in your life – don’t need to mention names here cos you already know. And like I said on Thursday, you sample women like fine wine and I honestly wish and pray you find what you’re looking for – if you haven’t already.

At home last night and I replayed our conversion and there was no indication from anything you said that we were going to try and work from a new angle – ‘I will grieve us at my own time’ ‘I wanted it to work’ ‘It … that something this good has to end’ ‘I’ll always love you’ – this all sound like parting shots to me. Like I said, I gave you an exit and you took.

About us being friends, I don’t even know how that’s going to happen. We came from being friends to this and now I’m supposed to walk backwards. You’re the expert but I haven’t mastered that art form, give me a couple of years and I just might be able to pull of your attitude.

Maybe the truth was I was always just your friend and to me you were more so I can’t really hold it against you. I blame myself for wanting/expecting as much as I did from you, always begging to give a damn about me and stuff that matter to me. These things are supposed to come naturally but they didn’t.

You actually borrowed money from me to send to your latest flavor! I’m not terribly upset but it just shows me once more how much she means to you considering our not too long ago argument on this (I mean my argument). Like the write-up about me says, I am the go to girl around here – the sweet, gullible girl who never says no.

I think a text you sent applies aptly to what is going on – you want something and when you eventually get it, you don’t want it anymore. The thing I feared the most has befallen me – I shy away from anything that would hurt me but I ran smack into this time but hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?

There are a lot of things I want to say but to transfer it from the lump in my chest to paper is proving difficult and I just might regret as lot of them afterwards seeing we have to work together and all. I guess we were bought right about shitting where you eat, it might just get ugly.

I thought we would be like friends forever, cos I really enjoyed us being friends and ll that’s tarnished now – I really regret kissing you last year October – things were just peachy as it was back then. Who knows what the future holds, maybe we might be able to pull it off.

Summary of all my blabs is I’m truly hurt and heartbroken and right now finding it hard to breathe past the constriction in my chest and fighting back tears. But I think I’ll be fine. Walked down this road before and survived. Like you’ve said in the past - learn the lessons and move on – I will try to do just that.

Fighting Temptation

You know the feeling you get when you have a new toy as a kid and all you want to do is hold it, play with it and take it everywhere your go? That's the feeling i associate with attraction. It seldom lasts long, depending on intensity, but it can be distracting and makes you feel like a kid all over ago.

Short of labeling phone numbers 'Do Not Call' it can be a harrowing experience to 'Not Call, Text or Chat' with the attractor.

Temptation is alluring and compelling, once you've caught the bug it must run it's course. Which is another thing, there's no rule book on how long these things last - a day, month, year(s), forever (sob, sob). It goes something like this picture below.

I guess it's the wondering that gets us eventually. Seriously, do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had succumbed and said 'To hell with it all. Tempt me ye Temptation'.

Uncertainty of the outcome is another thing i guess that halts us in our tracks when we are faced with temptations. Will i come out unharmed? Will I be the better for weakening? Is my heart strong enough to go all the way? The list of what ifs are endless but at some point you have to bite the bullet and decide. Sitting on the fence is not allowed. Second guessing is unattractive. Worrying will only make you age faster. Stressing about what people will think is childish (not entirely though). Just weigh the pros and cons and make a decision you're willing and able to live with for however long you're able to.

To succumb or not to succumb, that, my friend, is the Question.

Anything Is Possible

I was thinking about the phase 'Never Say Never' and thought back to the days when i used to say 'I would never do this or that'. How easily those words came to me back then but now i realize i have done almost everything on my list of 'nevers'

Life does teach one some valuable lessons
- Things seldom work out the way you plan it
- Friends never stay with you forever, if you're lucky, probably a handful
- Relationships are fleeting and very fragile
- Your heart is most likely stronger than you realise
- Temptation knows no half measures

Speaking of temptation, i have been in a constant battle to keep temptation at bay but the more i fight it, the more tempted i become. Yep, its one of my 'nevers' and daily i pray for the strength to resist.

The saying of being drawn like a moth to a flame is an apt description for what i'm gong through currently. Everyday is a struggle but life's battles are won one day at a time so i'm beating my temptation one day at a time (hopefully). One thing i've learnt from all this is

- DISTRACTION
- Being REALISTIC
- Telling yourself the TRUTH

This is what i've done and i realise that its easier to face myself daily and not hate myself for falling short of my expectations for myself.

Expectations

I often wonder about expectations. People work around with plans of weddings, engagements, dream guys and girls, proposals etc. I think this points out with with optimistic dispositions. People who plan for their futures. When I hear such plans, i often wonder how these people can afford to be that optimistic about life and the future. No one knows what tomorrow holds. It could just be one disappointment after the other, but still they hope.

I am truly amazed.

I have tried sometimes to see life through those rose tinted glasses but it always ends with me being disappointed. In myself and in the people involved in my experiment.

A friend just described her dream wedding and it was something out of Disneyland. I couldn't help but laugh and ask severally if she realized it sounded like a Cinderella story? I guess different things help people get by daily. It might be the thrill of a first kiss or the excitement of your upcoming wedding or the hopes of holding your newborn after minimal labor (dreams). The ability to dream they say has a power that can transform and bring into being that which we mostly desire. I just haven't been able to master that act.

I dream of having a successful marriage, business (even if i don't know what that would be), responsible children and lots of money. But to have elaborate dreams of how this will materialize is something else all together. I don't dream of my dress, my wedding day, the wedding colors, food, music and all the things ladies bother themselves with when wedding bells chime and for that I am laughed at/mocked. I don't believe in the razzmatazz of it all and i won't apologise for that.

Expectations. It can be your undoing, if not managed. I don't expect much, just to be happy with my life my family, be content with what God has in store for my future, have enough to cater for my immediate and external family and meet all my financial and otherwise obligations, be a good mother and wife. The expression / manifestations of these are what I can't tell but I know the future IS good.

Pessimist or not, I do hope for the best and believe that the best indeed is yet to come. Even though it might not seem as such right now, the future is good.

The Heart Weeps

Am I not lovable? If yes, what is it about me that isn’t?

I ask myself this question often these days as the weekend approaches and people share their plans and look forward to the end of another week. Every week I pause and think about what awaits me, two days of quiet and feeling inadequate; with questions and pitying looks because I don’t have a significant other to rob in everyone’s nose.

I hate the weekend.

My job is not the kind that eats up my weekend these days, how I wish that was the case these days. Were I a true Executive Assistant in the real sense of the word, I would be on my way to Abuja this weekend and exhaust my life out with work and running errands and being to busy to think. The sadness would be gone and this cloud of helplessness and self pity would not haunt me.

Sometimes I honestly wish I would die and go to heaven and be done with it all – the drama that is life, the pain that is love unrequited and the weight of pretending everything is fine and your happy. I am tired of it all.

Why do we fall in love? When does it happen? I for one would like to know the exact moment it happens so you can fight it or delay it. Or if I could go back, change all decisions and actions that led up to that point. Its not a conscious decision, it just dawns on you one evening that – I’m in love. In my case I wasn’t jumping for joy or seeing stars while singing and dancing ‘I’m singing in the rain’ by Gene Kelly. It was more of “Holy Shit. What were you thinking babe. You stupid, stupid child.

Summary of it all is sad most of the time, unhappy almost all the time, feel like crying constantly these days because my life is empty.

I live with a family who don’t get me and I’ve become a regular joke – she only sleeps here, she doesn’t live here. Everything I say and do is misinterpreted that now I just go to bed every day I get home.

The operative question is When Will It Be My Turn

An Angry Word

I have an anger problem.

When its said that never speak when you're angry, I finally believe. Maybe my anger was justified or NOT, but still I spoke and i'm now in it.

I have never been able to rest in peace when there's a feud (I am aware of), be it silent or otherwise exists towards me. Got home late last night or you could call it early hours of this morning, tore my lovely adorable chinos trousers jumping over my close gate cos it was locked from within and couldn't sleep. Why? I called a friend a 'PIG', in an attempt to be spiteful, hurtful and for once draw blood. It did have the desired effect but not one I am comfortable with.

Yes, I'm given the silent treatment. Its not so much a silent treatment per say, but more like an avoidance and no/limited contact and communication. Really not enjoying this at all.

In my restlessness, I've downed 12 queen cakes, 1 chopsey, 1 peach drink, 1 plate of rice, some roasted corn, 1 plate of yogurt and a large cup of tea with lots of milk. Yes, I eat a lot when I'm stressed. That's one of the reasons I want this feud to be over. I can't afford to blowup over this.

Its times like this I wish so dearly that I had someone other than my blog and 'My Guy' to bitch/rant to.

But seriously, I find that everytime I 'm angry, I just can't keep my mouth shut to save my life. I am not one to stew in anger and keep my dark and probably vengeful thoughts to myself. I must speak. Why?

I must admit, I really do try not to speak, but it just comes out raw , spiteful and vengeful. And truth be told, if another person offends me, I am silent as a lamb. I won't utter a word but will bitch in private. But I flare at the least provocation. I am not naturally sharp-tongued but ...

This should honestly stop. I really do need help.