Final Words To Femi

I have been angry at God all week cos I lost a friend, a brother. What hurts me also is I never got to tell him how much he meant to me. In the time we lost touch, I was angry at him I would have conversations in my head of what I would say when I saw him; inspite of all that, I still loved him. It’s funny how life sometimes gives us a rude awakening when we least expect it. We realize just how trivial some things are.

I saw him in the coffin but I looked away cos I didn’t want to remember him that way. When I think of Famo, I remember the bulging sexy eyes, his laugh, his amazing humor – he could always make people laugh - his love for Praise Apostles and his wife Tope.

It’s amazing what life has in store for us. I have questioned everything - my faith, God, life and its meaning – but I still don’t feel better. Questioning has gotten me nowhere thus far but I am conscious that we are living on borrowed time and that our time here has to have meaning and purpose.

With Femi’s death I see how love for one person can unify and bring together people. He was indeed loved by all whose lives he had touched and I rest in the knowledge that he has gone to a better place.

Famo, I will see you someday.

Dear Diary

My glass house just got shattered. I apologize for what I did (invasion of privacy and all) but I just couldn’t resist. People keep going on and on about they see in your phone but I have been disciplined thus far not to look but today I did – for this I an sorry. But I guess this might just be all I need to gradually get the deluded images I have about you and me - who you are and who I am to you – out of my head.

I realize you have about 5 leading ladies in your life – don’t need to mention names here cos you already know. And like I said on Thursday, you sample women like fine wine and I honestly wish and pray you find what you’re looking for – if you haven’t already.

At home last night and I replayed our conversion and there was no indication from anything you said that we were going to try and work from a new angle – ‘I will grieve us at my own time’ ‘I wanted it to work’ ‘It … that something this good has to end’ ‘I’ll always love you’ – this all sound like parting shots to me. Like I said, I gave you an exit and you took.

About us being friends, I don’t even know how that’s going to happen. We came from being friends to this and now I’m supposed to walk backwards. You’re the expert but I haven’t mastered that art form, give me a couple of years and I just might be able to pull of your attitude.

Maybe the truth was I was always just your friend and to me you were more so I can’t really hold it against you. I blame myself for wanting/expecting as much as I did from you, always begging to give a damn about me and stuff that matter to me. These things are supposed to come naturally but they didn’t.

You actually borrowed money from me to send to your latest flavor! I’m not terribly upset but it just shows me once more how much she means to you considering our not too long ago argument on this (I mean my argument). Like the write-up about me says, I am the go to girl around here – the sweet, gullible girl who never says no.

I think a text you sent applies aptly to what is going on – you want something and when you eventually get it, you don’t want it anymore. The thing I feared the most has befallen me – I shy away from anything that would hurt me but I ran smack into this time but hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?

There are a lot of things I want to say but to transfer it from the lump in my chest to paper is proving difficult and I just might regret as lot of them afterwards seeing we have to work together and all. I guess we were bought right about shitting where you eat, it might just get ugly.

I thought we would be like friends forever, cos I really enjoyed us being friends and ll that’s tarnished now – I really regret kissing you last year October – things were just peachy as it was back then. Who knows what the future holds, maybe we might be able to pull it off.

Summary of all my blabs is I’m truly hurt and heartbroken and right now finding it hard to breathe past the constriction in my chest and fighting back tears. But I think I’ll be fine. Walked down this road before and survived. Like you’ve said in the past - learn the lessons and move on – I will try to do just that.

Fighting Temptation

You know the feeling you get when you have a new toy as a kid and all you want to do is hold it, play with it and take it everywhere your go? That's the feeling i associate with attraction. It seldom lasts long, depending on intensity, but it can be distracting and makes you feel like a kid all over ago.

Short of labeling phone numbers 'Do Not Call' it can be a harrowing experience to 'Not Call, Text or Chat' with the attractor.

Temptation is alluring and compelling, once you've caught the bug it must run it's course. Which is another thing, there's no rule book on how long these things last - a day, month, year(s), forever (sob, sob). It goes something like this picture below.

I guess it's the wondering that gets us eventually. Seriously, do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had succumbed and said 'To hell with it all. Tempt me ye Temptation'.

Uncertainty of the outcome is another thing i guess that halts us in our tracks when we are faced with temptations. Will i come out unharmed? Will I be the better for weakening? Is my heart strong enough to go all the way? The list of what ifs are endless but at some point you have to bite the bullet and decide. Sitting on the fence is not allowed. Second guessing is unattractive. Worrying will only make you age faster. Stressing about what people will think is childish (not entirely though). Just weigh the pros and cons and make a decision you're willing and able to live with for however long you're able to.

To succumb or not to succumb, that, my friend, is the Question.

Anything Is Possible

I was thinking about the phase 'Never Say Never' and thought back to the days when i used to say 'I would never do this or that'. How easily those words came to me back then but now i realize i have done almost everything on my list of 'nevers'

Life does teach one some valuable lessons
- Things seldom work out the way you plan it
- Friends never stay with you forever, if you're lucky, probably a handful
- Relationships are fleeting and very fragile
- Your heart is most likely stronger than you realise
- Temptation knows no half measures

Speaking of temptation, i have been in a constant battle to keep temptation at bay but the more i fight it, the more tempted i become. Yep, its one of my 'nevers' and daily i pray for the strength to resist.

The saying of being drawn like a moth to a flame is an apt description for what i'm gong through currently. Everyday is a struggle but life's battles are won one day at a time so i'm beating my temptation one day at a time (hopefully). One thing i've learnt from all this is

- DISTRACTION
- Being REALISTIC
- Telling yourself the TRUTH

This is what i've done and i realise that its easier to face myself daily and not hate myself for falling short of my expectations for myself.