Saying 'I Do'

When I think of weddings these days, I think oh my God! How can someone do such a thing?

Trust me I'm not averse to marriage but the notion is a scary one once you try to wrap you mind around it. It’s a celebration of a new beginning. Starting life with someone new and starting a family. Real noble reasons, but I often ask myself what goes on behind those smiles (plastic or otherwise)?

Do they worry about the honeymoon, whether the guests will rave about their wedding ceremony as a benchmark to topple or WHAT THE HELL HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

To marry someone, there should be a high level of trust and acceptance of whatever is to come, and I often wonder whether that's the case in most instances.

In sickness & in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. Those are not mere words, those are bonds/promises that should be kept and before they are made, their implications considered.

Was at a wedding over the weekend and what everyone talked most about/anticipated was the bachelor's eve. Imagine that. And we thought that weddings were a celebration of love. In this case, like in so many others I've witnessed, it is seen as a journey into bondage. Goodbye singlehood and its freedoms and worldly unhampered passions and welcome shackles to one woman.

It’s kinda sad to realize that the institution of marriage has come to this - BONDAGE.

Now the key question is how one gets to marry someone with the same views and intent. Humans are great pretenders and it’s never likely to know a person well enough before tying the knot.

All in all, it takes a lot of guts to dress up, go to church and say 'I Do' before God, family and friends - whatever your intention afterwards.

Dusty Letters

As my house is being renovated, I stumble each day on mementos that bring back memories, both painful and joyful.

My mum showed me the other day a letter i wrote to her from school way back when i was in JSS1 in Command Kaduna. My box had just been stolen by the village thieves (otherwise known as KATO) who occasionally come into the girls hostel to steal. This letter narrated the entire incident and ended with me saying 'Mummy, this one wasn't my fault'. I had been earlier castigated by my parents for being careless with my belongings, but anyone who went to Command Kaduna as a boarder knows that you'll be lucky to return home with the clothes on your back.

Anyway, the funny thing about this letter was the footnote at the end of the letter. It read 'Mummy, there's this boy that has been disturbing me and i have told him to leave me alone but he won't listen. What should i do?' My mum and I had a good laugh after reading this part of the letter and I felt somewhat sad afterwards cos i realized that i used to be close to my mother. We used to gist and share like sisters, but now - nothing. I can't put my finger on what went wrong or when the cold war - much of it on my part - began.

I try sometimes to confide in her but i just have a nagging feeling that she just wouldn't get it.

Now the other thing that made me pause for thought were some of my old letters from my ex-fiance. on reading them, i felt like i was the problem. Yes the letters sounded whiny but they all had a similar tone - appeal and openness.

An appeal for me to focus and express the love i felt but hardly mentioned, for openness about the things i wanted/my feelings and a desire to be on the same page etc.
I felt kinda bad and began to question whether i really was the problem after all. Yes he had his issues, but what role did i play in bring the deck of cards tumbling down.

When I read his letter to me on the day he proposed, it brought back sweet memories. Brother had moves. He knew how to create and

Acceptance: Key To Happiness

I learnt today that accepting your past and present is a sure way to a healthy future.

That being said, its easy for people to talk about acceptance but no one ever mentions the little battles in the mind and how difficult it is to walk the talk.

ACCEPTANCE
I accept you for who you are and everything you represent. Ha! Oh please. Its all just lips service. i think.

Easier said than done. I recite a chant everyday in my head, its all for the best, everything happens for a reason but hello! I don't see things getting any better. But maybe its me who doesn't see it. Maybe I'm too buried in the past and stuck in my ways that i don't see the change. Isn't change supposed to be seen, felt.

Its just like with Christianity and giving your life to Christ, Old things have passed away, i am Born Again. The change doesn't come overnight, it grows subtly and quietly until one day you've become some new.

Back to my point, I make the effort, I love myself (maybe too much sometime), I've forgiven my Ex for everything, I've forgiven my father and I've forgiven everyone who has ever let me down. Saying it in my head everyday and making an effort to be polite, kind and 'accepting' of these individuals haven't gotten me far and its what, over 4 years? That can't be right can it.

The real question is, what am i doing wrong. If i knew that i would make the necessary changes. All the talk about acceptance and no one has come with clear cut steps to achieving. Or maybe i haven't found the right book or teacher to set the story right.

Watering My Plant

Its been hard for me the last few years. Breaking up a long time relationship, getting a new job and hearing your ex settling down before you, all takes its toil on ones senses

I can't understand why its taking me this long to settle with my past and move on. I must admit, I'm scared shitless everyday and these days angry as hell. For no apparent reason, i snap, vent and pour out my frustrations on anyone that crosses me, sometimes without the least bit of provocation.

Today my shrink listened as i ranted for close to an hour, about why i am angry and we postulated lots of theories about why this is.
1. Frustration from my job (feeling emasculated, if you will)
2. Letting go of my controls and letting things go one day at a time
3. Agitation over being taken advantage of and taken for granted

He says i need to let go of the anger. If i knew how, i would honestly do it and live a life of happiness and bliss.

I honestly want to know, was there ever a time when we were all happy all the time? I wish i could teleport back there, even if it were for a little while.

Or are we not supposed to be happy all the time? Maybe i'm the person getting it wrong.